Diet For Another Planet: LuLu's

"One of the specialties at LuLu's is the Virgin-Scented Pork Tenderloin.  LuLu's is the only restaurant allowed to serve this traditional Dish, and hopefully they will be allowed to continue the Rite for at least another seven hundred years.  The Rite, never before set down, is herein described for the first time under the Regent's new policy of 'Openness.'

"The local Swine used for the Dish are treated much as your Kobe Beef Cattle, and are massaged here with the fat rendered from the fruiting body of a local tropical plant.  The fruit are held in a traditional, broad copper vessel which intensifies our double suns' doubly hot output.  The vessel has a lid with the traditional brass bird, symbolizing the freedom given the fat by the golden suns.  The lid covers the vessel in case of rain.  As appropriate, the fat is removed from the vessel and massaged into the backs of the Swine.  The Swine are kept apart so they will not eat the fat off each other's backs.  The Swine must also at all costs not be allowed to have any of the fruit, or the taste of their Flesh will be irreparably damaged.

"The Swine were long butchered with the traditional granite Blade; the current use of volcanic glass Blades does not appear to have harmed the ritual (but the use of glass vessels for fat collecting is being stamped out by the Constabulary).  The Swine's blood is used in fertilizing the Regent's fields, ensuring his bountiful Harvest and the Land's continuing Health.  If the Regent is displeased at his Harvest, the collection and sequestration of Dish Virgins is increased until such time as the Land is fed and the people and their Regent are happy.  The blood is fed to the fields when convenient, but the Swine must not be butchered until the Meal is about to be prepared, and an adequate supply of Dish Virgins at hand and sedated if necessary.  Sedation is viewed with derision, but used as necessary to accomplish the Rite and Dish.

"When the Dish Virgins are prepared and inspected by the Regent for Wholesomeness, the Dish may be prepared.  The cabling, plaited from local hemp fibers and soaked in the traditional borax solution for three days, must be ready beforehand in adequate supply for the size of the Rite being contemplated.  The Swine, once butchered, have their Tenderloins removed first and rushed to the Site.  If a Tenderloin is damaged during withdrawal from the Swine, one Dish Virgin may be returned to her family with no shame whatsoever.  Her Bounty increases the Land.  The Tenderloins are thrust, still wet, between the Thighs of the Dish Virgins, and the Thighs and Tenderloins are secured with copper wire.  (Some consider the use of copper wire deviant, but the hemp and other materials that have been tried interfere with the proper heating of the Dish.)  The Dish Virgin Thighs must absolutely remain closed until the Dish is finished, or all is lost.  Past attempts at additional seasoning simply interfere with the progression of the Rite and the delicate Scent of the Dish.

"The cabling is then tied around the ankles of the Dish Virgins, and they are lowered into the Pit (disparagingly called LuLu's Salvation by the lower classes).  An individual Dish is done when the thinner cable burns in half, the thicker one being used to withdraw the now-Consummated Dish Virgin (losses at this point being considered the Mountain's Share). She is withdrawn, the copper wire is removed, and the perfectly Scented Dish is offered to the Regent, who may, for the sake of tradition, actually consume some.  He usually allows it to be fed to the Paying Guests who stay at LuLu's, and the Land is further Glorified.

"A minor variation was introduced by the Regent four hundred years ago.  The Dish was occasionally considered over- or under-done, and manipulation of the cabling and soaking did not satisfy the Regent.  The Rite was modified by the selection of additional Dish Virgins of varying Thickness of Thigh.  The natural variability of this parameter is enhanced by manipulation of the diet of individual Dish Virgins, yielding further increase or decrease in Thigh Size.  The Regent then selects what he feels is the appropriate Dish Virgin with appropriate Thigh Size, and the cooking time is thereby modulated.

"May the Volcano's Fires never go out, and may the Land's Glory ever increase."

Comments

[lisa]

jeez, being a virgin sucks.